Now That's Scary
by Cytisinth
Summary: After seeing things get out of hand in his fandom's fiction, Jack attempts to set the record straight with the authors. Chapter 9: Jack and Sally have a wedding that's out of the ordinary, even for Halloweenland. (Now with edits.)
1. This Chapter Has No Title

Now That's Scary

By a highly miffed Sandaa Shojo

Disclaimer: _Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas _belongs to Tim Burton, not me, because the title isn't _Sandaa Shojo's The Nightmare Before Christmas_. Also, no offense to anyone else who writes for this fandom.

Jack Skellington had decided to hold another Town Hall meeting. This time, however, the room was not crowded with wolfmen, commercialized witches, zombies, costumed trick-or-treaters, miscellaneous monsters, and demented clowns. In their place was a motley assortment of humans, most of which were between ages ten and seventeen, and many of them were female. None of them were in Halloween costumes, and they were all chattering amongst themselves.

For example, a green-eyed redhead was saying to her friend: "Okay. This new character of mine has huge violet eyes, she can breathe fire, she has scales like a snake's all over her body, she can fly without wings, and she's a princess of some distant kingdom no one's ever heard of before."

"I like it!" responded the redhead's friend.

In another section of the Town Hall, five eleven-year-old boys were aggressively comparing their original characters. They were doing this in a fashion that was suspiciously similar to the way younger boys compare their action figures.

"This guy has nails like daggers that can rip out your throat," said one.

"Oh, yeah? Well, **this** character has a head as hard as stainless steel that he can dash out your brain on."

"That's not so great. This guy's ears are so sharp that he can impale you on them."

"Your characters suck. I have one who has fangs like a vampire's that he uses to suck out your soul!"

"My character is a fluffy yellow rabbit. …What?"

All of the talking got on Jack's nerves, so he resorted to his usual way of getting people to pay attention.

"BOOOOOO! Your accounts just got removed! BLEAH! BLEAH!" he thundered in the fourth scariest voice he could muster.

The audience members shrieked and gasped, then focused their eyes upon Jack, who stood on the stage.

"Now that I have your attention, I would like to make a few things…er…**known **to you. They're all very relevant to everyone present, or I wouldn't have called you here. You are all fanfictionists for _The Nightmare Before Christmas_, right?"

The audience collectively nodded.

"All right. It has come to my attention that many people have been writing about things that shouldn't, technically, happen. For one thing, the movie doesn't say whether Sally and I got married or not. You may believe that happened, but do you get married to a person almost immediately after kissing that person, however passionately?"

Guilty looks swept across the faces of the audience.

"I didn't think so. While we're on the subject, it also appears that many of you have forgotten my species, as well as Sally's. I am a skeleton—or, more precisely, a skeleton puppet. Sally is a lab-created rag doll. Neither of us have reproductive organs, so we can't have children of our own. Stop writing about it."

Even guiltier looks swept across the faces of the audience. A few people shuffled uncomfortably in their seats. Several more stared at the ground, not daring to look upon Jack, who was enjoying his monologue.

"While it's obvious that I should like children—it only makes sense—I **still** can't have my own. Speaking of children, what makes you think that I'd even consider letting Lock, Shock, and Barrel live in my house? Sure, I'd let them come in for a visit, but forever? Or even longer than a week? Absolutely no way. I don't trust them.

"Oh, yes, and here's a message to those of you who have me putting a Burton-esque spin on other holidays: it will never happen. I already just about ruined Christmas that one year, and I'm not about to do anything like it again. Don't you think I'd have learned my lesson by now? Writing _The Nightmare Before Labor Day _or whatever is like insulting my intelligence.

"Back to the topic of children. No fictional character—I said 'fictional character' because many of you are exceptions to this rule--is supposed to be more frightening than me, so what's the deal with making my impossible offspring as scary as I am? That just screams—no pun intended—Mary Sue, or whatever her male counterpart is called."

"Gary Stu," offered a blonde, brown-eyed female author.

"Marty Stu," piped up a female, blue-eyed brunette at the same time.

"And we don't **al**ways make your kids as scary as you!" pointed out a brown-haired, green-eyed twelve-year-old boy.

"That's right—you **don't** always make my kids as scary as me," said Jack. "But you're missing the point. When people make my children—which shouldn't really exist, as you know—as scary as me, you're violating canon." Jack momentarily wracked his brain for a way to embellish his statement. A smile spread across his face, then voluntarily vanished (which is to say that Jack hid his smile.) He had the perfect way to convince his audience to stop breaking the rules of canon, because only people who insisted on breaking canon rules would believe what Jack was about to say.

"As you know, I am the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, which means that I rule it. I have no heir to my throne. If you keep writing Mary Sues and Gary Stus, I'm going to die…again. That would mean the end of Halloween as a holiday. And you don't want that."

"How do we know that you're not lying?" asked a fourteen-year-old girl.

"It takes one to know one."

The girl thought about this, which silenced her.

"Thank you for listening to what I had to say—that is, if you were listening at all. Some of you might haven't heard a word I've said. That's very inconsiderate of you, but then again, these are fanfictionists I'm talking to." He smiled at this, which provoked a highly dissimilar reaction from the members of the audience. 

--- 

Before anyone tells me that the narrator in Track #19 of the _Nightmare_ soundtrack says that Jack had "four to five skeleton children at hand," let me say that they were not necessarily Jack's children. Besides, what are the odds? It makes no sense whatsoever.


	2. Words Work Wonders

Now That's Scary

Chapter Two: Words Work Wonders

Disclaimer: _The Nightmare Before Christmas _is not mine, which is probably a good thing.

This story was intended as a one-shot, but after reading the reviews, I decided to continue it. So, thanks to everyone who reviewed. Believe me, I'll be quoting/paraphrasing some of my reviewers in this chapter.

&&&

When we last left off, Jack had just explained the perfectly logical rules of his fandom to the fanfictionists. Unfortunately, they did not seem quite pleased with the help they had just received.

"Jack?" inquired a woman in the back row. "If you're such a skeleton, how come you have a tongue? You stuck it out at Lock, Shock, and Barrel. And how come you can see us? You don't have any eyes. And how did you get to read these fics in the first place?"

These questions did not surprise Jack very much, as they were bound to be asked of him eventually.

"It's not **my** fault I have a tongue. And, to be honest, I don't know why I have one, or how I can see without eyes. Ask Tim Burton. By the way, Tim Burton was online a while ago, and he was reading some fan fiction or something. That's how come I got to read them." _They'd never believe the **real **story_, Jack thought. _Wait a minute—how **did** I get online?_

"Where does the author of this fanfic stand on the Lock/Shock pairing?" asked a younger girl.

"She has no particular opinion on it, although she does wonder how Barrel feels about it."

"Huh!" said the girl. (The one who asked the question, that is.)

Another girl spoke. "Although I enjoyed your little rant, how can you do all that human-like stuff if you're a skeleton? Ya know—singing, walking, talking, experiencing emotions, and all that jazz."

"First, I was a human before I died. And secondly, I may be physically dead, but I'm not really dead on the inside. Sadly enough, a whole lot of people are the other way around."

This statement caused a slight commotion among the fanfictionists, who thought it (the statement) was directed at them.

"WHAT?!" shouted a male audience member.

"I don't believe you!" exclaimed a female.

"Whoa, whoa! Calm down. I wasn't talking about you."

The girl who asked the previous question resumed speaking. "If those kids mentioned in the author's notes aren't yours, then whose are they? And does it really matter?"

"It was a **joke**." Jack would have added more, but he didn't dare, for fear of offending the entire audience even more than he already had. (Not that what he would have said was really that offensive.)

Yet another girl raised her hand. "Why would you tell us off like you did if we love you enough to write stories about your fandom?"

Jack hesitated momentarily, then said what had been on his mind for an inordinate amount of time. "Because if you really loved me, you would treat this fandom with more respect." 

"How is writing the typical romantic fan fiction disrespecting this fandom?" asked a boy.

"Well, perhaps it's not disrespect, per se. But writing those usual marriage-related stories and accepting them as the truth closes up other possibilities."

The audience looked rather puzzled. Some of them did, anyway.

"I see that some of you are getting confused," noted Jack. "Allow me to reintroduce you to someone who can explain this better than I can." He focused in the direction of stage left, then said "Come on out!"

Sally stepped out from behind a curtain. The audience burst into moderately wild applause.

"You want me to take over?" she asked Jack.

"Of course," Jack said as he exited stage right.

"Okay," Sally muttered as she took her place at the podium. "So…from what I understand, I'm supposed to explain to you about other kinds of fan fiction you could be writing. I've heard that you like to write stories where Jack and I are married and have children."

Several of the people in attendance verbally confirmed Sally's statement.

"Oh, absolutely," said a blonde, green-eyed girl.

"You bet we do!" exclaimed a redheaded boy with blue eyes.

"Yep," answered a female brunette.

"Uh-huh," replied a brown-eyed, blonde male.

Sally was not at all surprised. "I'm flattered. But, as you've heard, writing that kind of stuff tends to crowd out alternatives. For instance, a fan fiction where Jack and I want to have children but don't know how to do it could be a pretty interesting story. In fact, you'd probably get a lot of reviews for a work like that."

The authors grinned at the prospect of receiving reviews.

"You could write something that discusses the reactions of the other characters," continued Sally. "What does Doctor Finkelstein think? What does the Mayor think? What do the other females in the town think? Stuff like that. And yes, the author of this fic **has **read _Nobody Likes a Snitch_.

"Or you could write a piece where Jack and I each think about our situation of being a couple. It wouldn't need to be really fluffy, but it could be deep. Maybe it could have a theme of some sort.

"Hey—who says that the relationship-related fics in this fandom have to be the same ones every time? It's always either Jack and me or Lock and Shock. Except for that Lock/Barrel fanfic, _Nevermind the Complicated Stuff_, but it's not completed yet. I'm sure you've heard that pets can get jealous of their owner's lovers, so why not have a one-sided platonic Zero/Jack story?

"And forgive me for saying so, but Suethors do not belong to the audience Tim Burton wanted to have. There are ways to tell if your character is a Mary Sue or Gary Stu in this fandom. Just follow the advice Jack gave you in the first chapter."

A girl raised her hand. "Are you just sayin' this 'cause of the author's opinion on the you-and-Jack pairing, Sally?"

"If you mean to ask if I'm speaking because the author doesn't like the Jack/Sally pairing, no. The author actually likes that pairing quite a lot, although she was somewhat disappointed with the ending when she first saw the movie."

At that moment, a slightly older girl rose from her seat. "Hey! We don't want to hear about the author's stupid junk! Why can't there be a really good chapter that makes this story look like a real fanfic?"

Sally smiled. "There **will **be a chapter that makes this story look like a real fanfic. More than one, actually. One of them may even be sort of romantic. Just wait and see."

&&&

Sorry if this chapter wasn't as funny as the first, but I wanted to get some reviewers' questions out of the way.

Hardly anyone will find this interesting, but I have a pinstripe suit that looks almost identical to Jack Skellington's. It's better than having a licensed shirt.

NEXT TIME: The next chapter will involve either a trip to the Halloween Town library or romance of some sort. It depends on my mood, really.


	3. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Now That's Scary

Chapter 3: Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Or: Auctorial Aischrology

Or: Professional Trick-or-Treaters

Disclaimer: It's chronologically impossibly for me to own _The Nightmare Before Christmas_, because I was only two years old when it was released.

(Sorry, but I've unintentionally lied to my readers. This chapter will not involve what was promised earlier, but something different. Well…not that different.)

To quote Farla, who writes the _Unoriginality _stories (as well as several others) for _Pokemon_: "This idea pops up every now and then, and I hate it mainly because it's stupid." The idea focused upon in this chapter is the one where Jack invites Lock, Shock, and Barrel to live with him for a while. I would like to explore what might really happen if the four of them lived under the same roof.

&&&

Lock, Shock, and Barrel (collectively known as "Boogie's Boys," even though Shock was female) stood on the doorstep of Jack Skellington's castle, which looked surprisingly more like a mansion. They had inexplicably evicted themselves from their treehouse, as if some author had suddenly decided that the main character's abode would be a better place for mischievous children to reside. Although the three children would normally be arguing amongst themselves and chattering up a storm, they were virtually silent.

"Should I ring the doorbell?" Barrel asked his companions.

"Go ahead," replied Lock. "We've been listening to sarcastic narration for three long sentences now, after all."

Barrel stepped up to the chain hanging from the circular cavity in the wall, and pulled. Everyone present heard the sound of a scream, which was obviously intended as a one-time gag, but got old rather quickly.

Thirty seconds passed.

"Why hasn't Jack answered the door?" Lock asked impatiently. "He never fails to answer the door almost instantly after we ring the bell."

A response came from inside the house. "Nobody's home! Go away!"

"Very funny, Jack," sneered Shock. "C'mon. Let's go inside."

"Um, pardon me for bein' rude, but exactly why are we gonna go in?" asked Barrel. "Do we have a real reason for leaving our private, personality-suiting treehouse to live in some dark, foreboding castle that already belongs to someone else? It's not like we'll die if we stay where we were before."

Lock and Shock speechlessly stared at Barrel. No one had addressed that matter.

"Aren't we already dead?" Lock wondered aloud.

"I think so," responded Shock. "Of course, there's no real evidence that we died, and it makes things awkward when you say that you 'live' here…."

"But you don't have to be dead to inhabit Halloween Town," pointed out Jack from inside his house. "There's Doctor Finkelstein, for instance."

"Oh, what are we talking about this for?" Lock asked. "Let's go on in."

And so they did, much to Jack's chagrin.

&&&

Oh, Jack tried to hide his aforementioned chagrin. It was fairly easy at first. All he had to do was keep calm when giving the trick-or-treaters a guided tour of the castle.

"This is the kitchen," said Jack, gesturing towards it. "As you can see, it's the room where I keep the telephone. If you feel the need to call nine-one-one and do so, a representative will explain to you at length why we don't have a great need for a hospital. The kitchen's other function is to be the place where you eat. It is the **on**ly place where you eat, by the way."

Lock raised his hand. "Does eating include having candy?"

Jack pondered this for a moment. "Er…I guess not."

The trick was to keep some of the figurative treats in the rules, as children tended to be advocates of the stick-and-carrot routine. This worked when Jack said that the kids could play in the village, as long as they didn't steal anything or kill anyone. It also worked when Jack said that the three children could trick-or-treat when it wasn't Halloween, provided that they keep property damage to a minimum. Believe it or not, it even worked when Jack allowed Boogie's Boys to perform scientific experiments in the tower room, but only if nothing really dangerous or tasteless occurred.

The problem came when Jack realized that he had no real way to punish Lock, Shock, and Barrel for breaking the house rules. Moreover, those kids tended to intentionally cause as much harm as possible, so it was their self-sworn duty to skirk the rules in any way they could be skirked.

(Now that those explanatory paragraphs are done, some dialogue and events can occur.)

&&&

Lock, Shock, and Barrel were exploring the castle's built-in library. (Normally, they would be destroying objects or placing prank calls to Henry Selick, but they were not in the mood.) Jack had gone out of the house to buy milk, so the children were free to read whatever books they so chose. Unfortunately, they could not reach the high shelves, and were unable to find the ladder. However, Boogie's Boys soon found a very amusing shelf of books that happened to be positioned at the perfect height.

"Hey, look over here!" shouted Shock. "Here's a bunch of books by this guy named L. Frank Baum."

Barrel and Lock rushed over from the opposite end of the room to where Shock was standing. Lock pulled out a book from the shelf and glanced at its title.

"_The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_," he read aloud. "I thought it was just a movie."

"So did I," said Barrel.

"Me too," commented Shock. "But apparently not."

One of the books' spines caught Shock's eye. She pulled it out of the shelf and read its title:

"_A Kidnapped Santa Claus_. Oh, wow! That sure sounds familiar."

"Say…that **does** seem famil'ar to me," Lock said. "What's the book about?"  
Shock opened the book to one of the first few pages. "Well, it talks about where Sandy Claws lives an' stuff." Suddenly, Shock's eyes narrowed. She stared at the page.

"What's the matter?" asked Lock. (Barrel said nothing, because he was looking for other books on the shelf.)

"It says that Sandy Claws lives in some place called the Laughing Valley. But we know that he lives in Christmas Town. It gets the part that he lives in a castle right, though." Shock continued reading, and turned the page.

"Hey…**this **seems interesting," noted Shock. "Apparently, there's this cavern-mountain place where these Daemons of the Caves live."

By the time Shock had finished reading the book, both she and Lock were giggling.

"Sounds kinda like the movie's plot," Lock asserted.

"Yeah," agreed Shock. "Especially the Daemons. They're a lot like us and Oogie Boogie. An' Jack is kinda like the Daemon of Envy and the Daemon of Repentance."

"Guess what **I **found?" said Barrel. He was holding a small stack of books, all of which were by L. Frank Baum. Barrel set the books down, then sat on the floor.

He held up the book that was on top of the stack. "This one's _The Patchwork Girl of Oz_. Her name's Scraps, and she was created by some crazy sorcerer or something. Plus, according to this, she's independent and likes to sing and dance."

"That sounds like someone we know," said Lock.

Barrel held up the next book. "Here's _The Road to Oz_. I was flippin' through it, an' it says that there are these weird creatures called Scoodlers. They're things that have two faces—one on the front an' back o' their heads—that they can spin around, and they can take their heads off, too. They sound kinda like the Mayor, don't they?"

Lock and Shock nodded in agreement.

Barrel held up the third book in the stack. "Then there's _Glinda of Oz_. I haven't read any words in it yet, but guess what's in the front an' back?" He flipped to the front inside cover of the book, and pointed to the illustration. The other two trick-or-treaters focused their attentions on the picture.

"Why is the Patchwork Girl hugging that pumpkin-headed thing? And why are all those other freaky-lookin' people starin' at 'em?" inquired Shock.

"I dunno," said Barrel, shrugging. "But I've got another book here. It's called _The Marvelous Land of Oz_, and I didn't look at it yet." Barrel then opened the book to the front inside cover, and turned a few pages. Suddenly, a smile spread across his face.

"This is the second book in the series, and it's also the first book with that pumpkin guy we saw earlier. You'll never guess what his name is. It's 'Jack Pumpkinhead.'"

Lock and Shock began laughing.

"That's so weird," chuckled Lock.

"Yeah, I know," rejoined Barrel. "And now I know how to pester Jack when he gets home."

&&&

As it turned out, Barrel's plan was to hang around Jack while describing the most cringe-worthy parts with Jack Pumpkinhead aloud. Of course, Barrel would simply refer to the Pumpkinhead as "Jack," which was intentionally both confusing and embarrassing. Not ones to pass up an opportunity for mischief, Lock and Shock decided to participate as well.

"Now Tip is sayin' to Jack: 'I think I'll lay you upon the ground overnight,'" said Lock, while Jack was painting his face.

"Now the Saw-Horse says that Jack is absurdly built and has a flimsy person—and earlier, he called 'im a coward," said Shock, while Jack was giving Zero a bath.

"Now Jack is askin' Tip if seeds could be considered in the light of brains," said Barrel, while Jack was playing the piano.

"Now the Woggle-Bug is talkin' about how he wants to eat Jack—an' Jack's in the same room, too," said Lock, while Jack was putting hypoallergenic studs in his eye sockets.

"Now Jack is resting his head against the Scarecrow's chest," said Shock, while Jack was flossing his teeth with barbed wire.

"Now the narrator says that Jack is too stupid to be educated," said Barrel, while Jack was thrusting his face into a bowl of acid-soaked Cheerios.

&&&

Boogie's Boys' fun did not end with that. One morning, they woke up in their new room, and Lock touched on a certain subject.

"Y'know, it just occurred to me that we can talk however we want," he said.

"Whaddya mean?" asked Barrel.

"I mean, we should be able to swear. After all, the fanfictionists do it all the time—mentally, of course. And we have a right to do it. There's nothing stopping us."

"You're right," said Shock. "So, why don't we try it out? We'd only be exercising our rights."

"I'll go first," Lock told his comrades.

So, he made his way downstairs and into the kitchen, where Jack was making pancakes.

"Good morning, Lock. What would you like for breakfast?"

"Aw, Hell; Jack. I guess I'll have some Frosted Mini-Wheats."

"Go right back upstairs, mister!" shouted Jack.

"Why?"

"Don't question my authority. Just do it!"

"It didn't work," said Lock when he came back to the room he shared.

"I'll try it," replied Shock.

She came downstairs and reached the kitchen.

"Why; hello, Shock. What'd you like for breakfast?"  
"I dunno, but you can be damn sure that I don't want Frosted Mini-Wheats."

This, too, upset Jack.

"Get back up there, missy! No questions, please."

"Lock was right," Shock told Barrel upon coming to the correct room.

"You're not doin' it right," asserted Barrel. "I've gotta do it."

Barrel performed the typical coming-down-the-stairs-and-going-into-the-kitchen routine.

"Hi there, Barrel. What do you want for breakfast?"

"That's easy. I want summa those totally b----in' pancakes you're makin'!"

Even though his cooking skills had been complimented, Jack did not appreciate Barrel's comment. In fact, he was so upset with this that he pulled Barrel's mask and suddenly released it, causing the mask to snap on Barrel's face.

&&&

A week had passed, and the trick-or-treaters were back in their house in the trees.

"I can't believe Jack kicked us out of his house," grumbled Lock, popping a stolen Reese's Peanut Butter Cup into his mouth. He was standing on a table.

"Well, what did you expect to happen?" Shock contemptuously inquired. She sat upon a chair. "Didja think Jack would slap our wrists and bite our noses or something?"

"Uh, **I **got hurt," commented Barrel, who was sitting under the table and licking his fingers, which were sticky from holding partially-melted bubble gum.

"Shut up!" exclaimed Shock. "Like I care."

"An' we didn't even get to finish reading those books," Lock complained.

"Oh, I beg to differ," said Barrel. He stood up and produced a copy of _The Marvelous Land of Oz_.

&&&

That, naturally, is where the chapter ends. My readers probably get the point. 

NEXT TIME: Has anyone who's reading this ever read some of those Jack/Sally pseudo-lemons? If the answer is "yes," then the next chapter will be surprising. It breaks new ground in the quasi-utopian world of _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ fluff.


	4. Wonderfully Grounded

Now That's Scary

Chapter 4: Wonderfully Grounded

Or: Together Forever

Or: Melting Ice

Or: Another Ring of Fire

Or: You're Gonna Hate Me For This

Disclaimer: _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ does not belong to me, not that I'm complaining.

Be warned: this chapter is, indeed, a romance. However, it's not the kind of _Nightmare_ fluff to which most readers are accustomed. No, it doesn't have any unnatural pairings. No, it's not really angsty.

It's a romance that allows room for argument, opinions of other characters, and something different--not to be pretentious, but to show that I agree with the eloquent line in Stephen King's _Cycle of the Werewolf_: "Love feels like death." Speaking of canines, Zero's lines will be written inparentheses. His words aren't intended as anti-Sally—Zero's just jealous.

Oh, and Jack and Sally aren't going to go through wedding-bell Hell in this chapter. I'm not going to ridicule anybody; I just didn't feel like having them get married.

One more thing: although I haven't bestowed reproductive organs upon any skeletons, I have taken another bizarre liberty with Jack's anatomy.

* * *

Jack Skellington was in his tower room, talking to his oh-so-faithful dog, Zero. Unfortunately for Zero, Jack was talking about how wonderful Sally was.

"I had a great time with Sally three days ago," Jack said. "She's really sweet."

"(That's good to know)," said Zero. He was really thinking: _There you go again, blathering on about Sally. What's so great about her?_

"I took her to a Dead Beatles concert. They're made up of George Harrison and John Lennon. Sally just ate it up!"

"(I'm happy for her.)" _Forget about Sally. Did **you** enjoy it?_

"The last time we kissed, she bit my tongue."

_Ha ha!_

A knock came at the downstairs door.

"Oh, that would be Sally!"

_Again? Cripes._

"I've gotta get the doorbell this instant. Goodness knows I don't see her enough in this fandom." With that, Jack sped down the spiral staircase, his absurdly long legs making it possible for him to only touch every eighth step or so.

_Don't trip and hurt your ego, Jack._

Jack opened the door, which revealed Sally standing on the doorstep.

"Hi there, Jack!" she exclaimed, grinning and waving.

"Good…er…."

"Morning."

"Yes. It's some hour in the morning. C'mon in."

Sally entered the manor. Jack shut the door. 

"So…" muttered Sally, smoothing the newly-found wrinkle on her dress. "What would you like to do today?"

Jack knew that his suggestion did not really matter, inasmuch as Sally was independent enough to make her own decisions. "I don't have a particular idea," he said. "It all depends on what **you **want to do."

"Oh, goody," said Sally. She then pounced on Jack with the ferocity of a rabid, starving lion chasing a herd of zebras. This produced a sickening cracking noise.

"Why do I feel so warm around my midsection?" Jack dreamily asked.

"Probably because your lower stomach is bleeding from the outside," Sally responded.

Jack glanced down at his lower half. He saw that red blood was oozing out of the area just below his upper belly, and was slowly covering everything under it. Everything from the lower stomach to the knees was soaking with blood. Soon it would reach to the legs.

"Why, so it is," he remarked. Then Sally looked at it more closely. Her clothes, as well as Jack's, now had unsightly red blotches on them.

"Oh, no!" she shouted. "Now I've gone and ruined our clothing."

Jack winced.

"Um…it's not your fault," he said, speaking in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "It's my fault for bleeding." Of course, he knew that this was a bald-faced lie, but also felt that it was his duty to make Sally happy.

Sally's expression changed to one of pleasantness. "Well, if that's the case, you've been bad," she chirped, wagging a finger in Jack's face. "And do you know what happens to bad people?"

"Are you trying to say that I have to give myself a Christmas present?"

Sally giggled. "No, silly. Badpeople get punished. Let's go upstairs."

* * *

Zero was now in his basket, pretending not to notice what was going on with Jack and Sally. He was really watching with morbid fascination what was happening.

_What's she going to do to my master? And what did he do to upset her? It must've been really awful._

Jack was sitting on the floor, and his arms and legs were in chains that were attached to the wall. Sally, meanwhile, was digging through a closet.

"Is this really necessary?" asked Jack.

"Yes. I wanted to make sure you wouldn't escape." Sally eyed a shelf above the clothing in the closet, and took something off it.

"Ah-ha! Just what I was looking for," she said.

She was holding a large wooden X-shaped cross. A string was attached to each end of the cross, and each string was tied so that it ended in a loop.

A look of alarm and shock crossed Jack's face. "I haven't been able to find that for months," he gasped.

Sally grinned with a mixture of sweetness and mischievousness. Then, she set the wooden cross on the floor.

"Could you unchain me, please?"

"Of course, dear."

Sally knelt down and opened the cuffs on Jack's wrists and ankles. Just as he was about to rise, Sally gently pushed him back onto the floor.

"Don't get up just yet. I need you to hold still, honey."

She picked up the wooden cross and slid the loops over Jack's extremities. The loopsfit snugly, yet comfortably.

"Now you can stand up," Sally said to Jack.

Jack rose from the floor. Before he could move again, Sally grabbed the cross and jumped onto the bed, pulling Jack with her.

"What are you doing?" asked Jack, confusedly.

Instead of replying, Sally set Jack back on the floor, making him at a lower position than she was. Suddenly, she lifted the upper-left part of the cross, which made Jack's left arm swing upwards.

"Oh, **no**," Jack groaned.

Sally lifted the bottom-right part of the cross at such an angle that caused Jack to kick himself in the face.

"OW! Why did you do that?"

"You said that it was your fault for bleeding."

Jack opened his mouth, but immediately closed it. He didn't want to admit that he had been lying.

Then, Sally pulled both of the upper strings sideways, which made Jack clap his hands. After that, she jerked rapidly and repeatedly on the bottom two strings, causing Jack to stand up and move in awkward positions.

"You're a pretty good dancer, Jack."

"Thank you. But you're controlling my motions…."

* * *

After Sally left, Jack was free to detach his strings. So, he untied the loops, and sat down on his bed.

"Whew. That was exhausting!"

_And pretty weird—even for you_, Zero thought.

A telephone, which had been conveniently placed on the beside table, rang. Jack picked it up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi! This is Sally. Did you know that Johnny Cash is giving a concert on Thursday?"

"He is? No, I didn't. And are you implying that you want me to take you?"

"Of course. Why else would I have told you about it? Well, goodbye."

_Typical. But maybe Johnny Cash'll play "Ring of Fire."_

The phone rang another time. Jack answered it in between the first and second ring.

"Hello?"

"It's Sally. There's gonna be a sale on ghastly-looking rings at the mall on Monday."

"You expect me to take you, right?"

"You bet. Goodbye."

_This isn't looking good for my master._

The telephone rang for a third time. Jack was too tired to answer it quickly, so he picked it up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Sally again. Sorry if I'm bothering you."

"You're not bothering me at all," Jack fibbed.

"Ah, good. Guess what? Dr. Finklestein—I'm supposed to be like his daughter, despite the fact that he treats me more like I'm his annoying little sister—says that on Wednesday, we can convert his laboratory into a movie theater."

"What? I'm having trouble imagining that."

"That's okay. See you then."

* * *

Several hours had passed, and Jack was dressed in his pajamas, lying in his bed. Just as he was about to become unconscious, the telephone rang.

Jack was so tired and angry that he didn't think before answering the phone.

"SHUT UP! I'm trying to sleep!"

"This is Tim Burton," replied the caller. "I was thinking about maybe making another movie with you in it, but I guess I've changed my mind now."

Jack was, needless to say, unpleasantly surprised. "No! Wait! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!"

* * *

The next day, Jack was pretty sure that Sally would come over again. Eager to avoid a repeat of the marionette and telephone incidents, Jack had dressed himself accordingly.

When Sally knocked on the castle door, she was adequately surprised to see a skeleton with a spiky headband and a billowy, red-striped black dress answer the door. The skeleton who had answered the door also wore blood-red stiletto shoes and dark purple eye shadow.

"I changed sexes earlier," said the skeleton, speaking in a falsetto voice. "I'm afraid I can't date you anymore."

Sally laughed momentarily. "Nice try, Jack. You're not fooling anyone, although that would've been the scariest costume idea you've ever had. Put your regular clothes back on."

Jack dropped his falsetto tone. "Aw, drat. I was hoping you'd fall for it."

"Well, I didn't. But it's all right."

Sally wrapped her arms around Jack's waist and kissed him on his cold, dead lips.

_Wow. Ain't love grand?_ Zero mused.

* * *

Jack and Sally…their love is like a dead flower!

NEXT TIME: The next chapter will probably be about dealing with fans, but in a significantly different way from the first two chapters.


	5. Little Nippers

Now That's Scary

Chapter 5: Little Nippers

Disclaimer: How many ways can a writer say that she does not own _The Nightmare Before Christmas_? This is one of them.

This chapter is about Jack dealing with his fans…and other humans.

&&&

After enjoying a hearty breakfast of tap water and a two-ounce bag of Hershey's Kisses, Jack Skellington was ready to take a stroll through Halloween Town. However, today's stroll would not be like other strolls. Jack told this to his dog, Zero, when the two of them were in the tower room of the castle.

"Instead of wearing my usual pinstripe suit, I think I'll arbitrarily decide to wear purple-striped tights and a matching purple shirt that an elf might wear."

"(WHY?)" Zero barked.

"Because no one would expect me to wear it, and I don't want to have to deal with **them **again," Jack said with a shudder.

"(Oh…**them**.)"

&&&

So, Jack set out in his purple Amazon-elf getup, complete with a yellow pointy hat that completely threw off the appearance of the suit. He walked all the way to the bottom step of the outside staircase before being confronted by a human girl. She had styled her clothes and blonde hair to look like those of Sora's from _Kingdom Hearts_. Behind this girl were three other humans, two of whom had reached approximately the same age (fourteen years old) and height. One was a girl who had painted her face white, with red streaks across it. Her wardrobe was entirely black—black shirt, black nylon pants, black leather shoes, black hair, black fingernails, and black eyes (they were naturally green, but the girl was wearing contact lenses.) The skin of this girl, however, was almost as white as her face paint.

Next to the Gothic-looking girl was another of her gender, and her wardrobe was white in every place where the other's was black, except for this one's brown hair, and the eyes. They were blue, and her skin was mocha-colored.

Standing a respectable distance from the three girls was a boy. He was a few years younger than his female companions, and had not tried to dress bizarrely at all. His burnt-orange hair and green eyes went nicely with his emerald-colored pants and ruby-red shirt. Instead of gawking at Jack, the boy focused his eyes on parts of the castle, as well as the gate and some other surroundings. The boy seemed to be there for no reason, since he didn't talk to anyone. Perhaps he was not even part of the group.

"Hi!" the girl in the Sora costume said to Jack. "I'm Carrie, and I remember you! You're in one of my video games, only your clothes were way different."

Jack knew that it was hopeless to try to run. "Am I one of those—what do you call it—Pokemon trainers?"

"Don't be silly—although there **is** a Pokemon called Claydol. The game you're in is called _Kingdom Hearts_."

The girl in black gave a minor bow, then began speaking rapidly. "I've seen your movie twelve times, I have several articles of clothing with your image on them—including socks, I named my pets after _Nightmare Before Christmas_ characters, I almost sued the Disney Store in my local mall for not carrying any _Nightmare_ merchandise except for some drinking mugs, I've been to Hot Topic so many times that I get a twenty-percent discount just for showing up, I actually play with my Dr. Finklestein action figure, I convinced my school chorus director to let me and my classmates do some songs from the movie, I had to get a new stereo because I listened to the movie soundtrack so many times that my old stereo malfunctioned, I somehow reserved advance tickets to _The Corpse Bride_, I carved my jack-o'-lantern last year to look like you, and I painted a spider on a Christmas ornament once." Momentarily, the girl in black gasped for breath.

"By the way, my nut-brained parents named me Heather," she groaned. "I hate my name."

"I know just what you mean," replied Jack. "You sure don't look like a Heather. That's a name for preps. Aren't they the most annoying things in existence? They should have their souls eaten by polka-dotted, four-horned monsters who jump out of little kids' closets. Your name ought to be something like 'Electra.'" _Wow! I can speak Gothic!_ Jack thought.

"Cool!" exclaimed the girl in white. "I totally agree."

"Me too," said the Goth formerly known as Heather. "Can you get some of those monsters to attack this really annoying girl I know? Her name's Lindsey, and she lives--"

"That's enough," Carrie anxiously said.

"I'm Timantha," the girl in white said. "I've seen your movie e**lev**en times. I didn't almost sue the Disney Store, but I did buy one of the mugs. I'm gonna try to reserve the inevitable DVD of _The Corpse Bride._ I was allowed to name my lab rat after a _Nightmare _character. And…uh…could I have your autograph, Jack?"

"Why not?" Jack responded. He reached into his left pocket, pulled out a notepad and a pen, and wrote _King Jack Skellington_ on a piece of paper. He ripped the piece out of the notepad, then gave the piece to Timantha.

"Jack Skellington's fingers were on that piece of paper!" shrieked Electra. She pounced upon Timantha, and the two of them got into a surprisingly rough fight. Carrie didn't want to be left out of all the fun, so she, too, entered the scrimmage. Meanwhile, the human boy continued to stare at inanimate objects.

This was all the chance Jack needed to forget about his stroll and sprint back into his castle.

&&&

A day had passed since the three girls had brawled with each other in front of Jack's castle, and they had left. The silent boy, however, remained in his place. Jack tried not to notice this while he ate his breakfast of cold, stale, crumbling pumpkin muffins and warm Diet Coke.

Suddenly, a knock came at the door. Jack got up and answered it, since he was actually relieved to have an excuse to get up from the table.

The person at the door was, of course, the Mayor. He currently wore his dismay-conveying face, partly because he was upset over always getting the lamest roles possible in fan fiction, and partly for another reason.

"You've got to help us, Jack! There's another human in Halloween Town!"

"Do you mean the eerie boy standing by the gate? Don't worry about him."

"No, not the eerie boy. It's some girl who doesn't look like one of us, but claims to be enjoying herself here. And as far as I know, she wasn't one of the authors you invited to the meeting before."

Jack became alarmed. "Well, then! That **is **a disaster! I haven't any idea what to do."

"Can't you just scare her away?"

"No, sadly. If she likes it here, she's not going to be afraid of me."

"Come **on**, Jack. Surely there's something you can do. You're the scariest person around. You've said it yourself."

Presently, the Mayor cast a backward glance and saw that the human girl was walking toward the castle gates. She looked about fifteen years old and wore a deep green dress, the skirt portion of which was bright red. Her yellow hair presented a fairly pleasant image when matched with her blue eyes, and purple buttons were vertically aligned on the front of the dress.

"She's coming!" the Mayor gasped. "You can scare her. I know you can."

"No, I can't. If she didn't try to leave when she came to this place, then I have no reason to think I'll make her leave."

"That's just it. You need to think. Think about how angry you were when you first found out about what those writers were doing."

Jack thought for a moment. "I was **ver**y angry," he said.

"Yes, you were. Specifically, how angry were you when certain people insisted on writing with such shoddy punctuation, spelling, and capitalization?"

"I was furious."

"That's right. What about when the writers--"

"Don't mention it. I know what you're gonna say. Anyway, I was full of wrath."

"I thought so. Remember the time when that centipede stole your golden compass from you?"

Jack's expression became one of stark raving madness. He leaped over the Mayor, landed in front of the human girl, and spewed out a blazing torrent of fire and smoke. He didn't hit the girl, of course, since he was aiming at the sky.

The girl squealed and backed away by six steps. However, this wasn't enough for Jack. He pulled a hollowed-out turnip from what seemed like thin air, somehow scooped the fire into it, and put it on over his head. The turnip also had a face carved into it, so when Jack put the turnip on, it looked like the inside of Jack's skull was on fire.

This, too, startled the girl. She squeaked and climbed down a few more steps.

Jack put the turnip back into his pocket, where it (the turnip) vanished. Not satisfied with his job so far, he reached into his other pocket and pulled out a knife. Although it wasn't very big, it was no standard kitchen knife. This was a shiny dagger, gleaming like a wolf's fang, and spotless because it had never been used.

He raised the knife in the air, then plunged it into his skull. No blood or brain matter gushed from the newly formed wound, and all that could be seen of the dagger was its coal-black hilt. This would have been frightening enough by itself, but Jack had another idea. He extended his tongue longer than was known to be humanly possible, stuck it into his eye socket, and curled his tongue around the blade of the knife. He used his tongue to tug on the blade, then the hilt suddenly vanished. A few seconds passed, after which Jack's tongue reappeared stuck out from the mouth. It was still curled around the blade, but the blade was now stained with blood.

That was all the girl needed to see before she opened her mouth in an unintentionally bloodcurdling scream. Startled by the sound of her own screaming, she shrieked even more horribly, running as fast as her legs could carry her, and heading for the hills.

Jack cocked his head back and engaged in a trademark cackle.

"I've still got it!" he declared.

The Mayor's face changed to the one of happiness.

"I helped get rid of a potential threat to the town…just like a mayor is supposed to do," he remarked.

&&&

Did anyone like that? I had fun writing it, since I had been planning to have Jack stick his tongue up his eye socket for quite a while.

Also, can anyone guess why I chose the names for the three girls at the beginning of the chapter? C'mon…just for fun.

I may use the eerie boy in another story or chapter. Maybe.

Lastly, who understood the part about the centipede and the compass? There must be someone who does.

NEXT TIME: Oogie Boogie returns! But how did he do it? That's what he'd like to know. Plus, some more stuff happens with Boogie's Boys. It'll be a Boogietastic chapter!


	6. Live and Let Die, Already!

Now That's Scary

Chapter 6: Live and Let Die, Already!

Disclaimer: I most assuredly do not own _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. Why would this be classified as a fan fiction if I **did** own it?

Boogie Boys will return from the gloomy depths of Chapter 3 in this chapter, and Oogie Boogie will be returning. Well, he'll sort of be returning. Knowing me, nothing's ever certain in regards to fan fiction.

(By the way, the Lindsey mentioned in Chapter 5 wasn't Littlewitch1899—just some other Lindsey.)

ADVANCE APOLOGY: Please don't feel insulted by this chapter if you write Lock/Shock fanfics. Well, don't feel insulted even if you don't write Lock/Shock, but especially if you do.

&&&

_As one of the characters in the film __observed, "You can't kill the bogeyman." But does anyone really want to?_

--David J. Skal, in his book _Death Makes a Holiday: A Cultural History of Halloween, _on the movie _Halloween_ (or at least one of the movies in that series)

&&&

The authors from the first chapter had come back to the auditorium, although some were missing, and a few new ones had arrived. Another change from the previous meeting was the fact that no one was standing on the stage. The people in the audience had taken advantage of this by talking noisily to themselves.

A blonde girl with blue eyes said to the person seated beside her, "So, in this new fic I'm gonna write, Shock beats Lock with a baseball bat, and then confesses her love for him. Isn't that cute?"

The person next to the blonde girl was a brown-skinned girl with similarly colored eyes. "What are you talking about? No one's gonna beat her true love with a baseball bat, not even Shock. Are you crazy or something?"

"Oh my gosh!" gasped the blonde girl. "You disagreed with me!"

"You bet I did," the other girl responded, fully aware that she was the only audience member written about thus far who showed dislike for a clichéd idea.

Before the blonde girl could protest, everyone heard the padding of small footsteps on the stage floor. (Well, everyone heard it except for a few sleeping kids in the back row.)

Focusing their attention towards the front of the room, the members of the audience saw three trick-or-treaters walk onstage. But these weren't just any three trick-or-treaters. These were Barrel, Shock, and Lock (also known as Boogie's Boys.)

Most of the authors applauded, but the brown-skinned girl clapped more loudly than anyone.

"Hey, Lock! They like us!" said Shock.

"Uh-huh," Lock observed.

"Do I get to do any talking?" Barrel asked.

"Shut up. Let me go first," responded Lock.

"Why?" angrily asked Barrel.

"'Cause my name comes first."

Barrel climbed up to the seventh paragraph in the story text and switched his name with Lock's, changing the phrase that had previously read "Lock, Shock, and Barrel" to "Barrel, Shock, and Lock."

"Not anymore!" Barrel gloated to Lock. "Besides, my name comes first alphabetically."

Shock ignored her fellow trick-or-treaters and cleared her throat. "Attention, everyone! My 'friends' and I have some problems with you."

She saw the angry expressions on the authors' faces and smiled. Getting people riled up was one of Shock's favorite activities.

"For one thing, who—except you—decided that Lock an' Barrel were my brothers? I know it's just one of those fanon things, but it's still ridiculous."

Lock shoved Barrel to the floor, then turned to face the audience. "Yeah! I wouldn't be Shock's brother for all the candy in Halloween Town."

"I wouldn't wanna be your sister, either," Shock snapped, stepping on Lock's right foot.

"OW!" Lock exclaimed. To retaliate, he slapped Shock across the face, causing just about every author in attendance to gasp.

"You hit a girl!" shouted a boy.

Shock yelped in pain as she felt the stinging sensation on her cheek. Lock waited for the outraged shouting from the audience members to die down, then spoke.

"An' what's with all these stories where Shock 'n' me are in love?" he asked, a look of disgust on his face. "She an' I are, like, nine years old. We're not into that sort of thing yet."

"But you will be!" piped up a female redhead.

Lock shook his head.

"If we're dead, like many o' you people say we are, then we can't really grow up, can we? And even if we could get older, what are the chances that we'd fall in love with each other? 'Scuse me, but **yuck**."

"And it's soooo overdone," added Shock.

Barrel saw this as his chance to speak. He stood up from where he had been shoved.

"Yeah! Speakin' of us getting older an' Lock 'n' Shock falling in love"—Boogie's Boys all shuddered—"those kinds o' stories, and even other kinds of stories, tend to assign specific roles to me 'n' Lock 'n' Shock. It always works out like this: Lock's the charming and super-handsome guy, Shock's the grouchy crank, and I'm either the dumb little kid of the group, or in the case of Lock/Shock stories, conveniently out of the way. O' course, when I'm **not** out of the way in Lock/Shock stories, that's even worse."

Guilty looks crossed the faces of the audience, just like in the first chapter.

"That reminds me," Shock said. "What's with making Lock an incubus?"

Lock angrily stomped his foot.

"I'm glad you brought that up, Shock! It seems like people are obsessed with making me, a human kid, into an incubus. Do you even know what an incubus is?"

A girl raised her hand. "Um…a seductive demon?"

Lock stomped his foot again and growled with frustration.

"NO!" Boogie's Boys shrieked in unison.

"An incubus is a devil who rapes sleeping women," Lock explained. "Even if I'm in my late teens or twenties, I'm not gonna do that!"

"It's disgusting," agreed Shock, her brow wrinkled in repulsion.

"An' a succubus is an inkybus's female counterpart," pointed out Barrel.

"That's 'incubus,'" corrected Lock.

"Whatever."

"Oh!" Shock clapped a hand to her forehead. "Speaking of demons and sleeping, that reminds me. Allow us to reintroduce you to the most nonsensical _Nightmare Before Christmas_ fanfic plot device there is."

"That's right," continued Barrel. "He's the guy who is now obviously dead, and not in the undead way, but people keep using him in stories anyway."

"It's…Boogie Woogie!" Lock finished.

Oogie Boogie crept out from behind a curtain, a hideous rictus upon his face. The audience members all cowered, except for the ones who shouted vile insults in the direction of the stage.

Oogie turned to look upon Lock. Said trick-or-treater whimpered and attempted to hide behind Shock, but Oogie had other ideas.

He tugged on Lock's tail, forcing the devil-costumed child to fall prone onto the floor. Lock yowled as his belly slammed onto the wood beneath, making the dull sound of a thud.

After hearing his fallen henchman's exclamation of pain, Oogie opened his mouth to yell. "That's 'Oogie Boogie!'" he thundered. "And when you quit your bellyachin', write down somewhere that I hate bein' such a one-dimensional character! Heck, I hardly even got a personality in the frickin' movie!"

"He sure is loud," whispered a female brunette to her friend.

Oogie overheard this and turned to look at the aforementioned female brunette.

"Well, you're right, missy! I **am** loud! You can tell by the way I've been usin' exclamation points to end all my sentences up until now. Ain't that annoying?"

Virtually everyone in the audience nodded.

"I wasn't askin' you! I was bein' rhetorical! Aw, shoot; there I go with them exclamation points again."

"It's '**those **exclamation points,'" corrected Shock.

Oogie threw a die at Shock, which hit her square on the forehead.

"YEOW!" Shock squealed, clutching her forehead and leaning against the right wall.

"Good thing I had a die on hand," Oogie remarked to himself. "Now that I think of it, why am I a gambler? Sure, the dice and toys and junk are pretty cool, but why are they there? Not that I'm complainin'. Anyway, what's the deal with you guys bringin' me back to life? I seen all the stories where some author makes up whatever ludicrous idea she can think of to make me alive again, just so the author won't have to make up another antagonist. And isn't coming up with those revival ideas a lot more work than making a new bad guy?"

"Well…yeah," admitted a redheaded girl quietly. "But how did you come back to life in this story, Oogie?"

"I dunno!" Oogie shouted, shrugging. "That's what gets me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some disappearin' to do."

"Goodbye, Googly Moogly!" said Barrel.

"My name's 'Oogie Boogie!'" Oogie reached into his eye socket, pulled out a scorpion, and hurled it at Barrel. Just as the scorpion was about to land on Barrel's body, a giant eraser came out of the sky and removed Oogie from the story.

&&&

Maybe that chapter wasn't as funny as some of the others, but that's okay, right? The next chapters will be funnier, although one (or more) of them will probably end up being a miniature horror story with satirical elements, like Chapter 5 was.

I wish I had more to say this time, but I don't.

NEXT TIME: You'll hate me for saying this, but it's a surprise.


	7. Don't Let This Happen

Now That's Scary

Chapter 7: Don't Let This Happen

Or: We Did NOT Need to Know That

Or: Wait! The Sky is Actually Blue for Most of the Time!

Disclaimer: Tim Burton doesn't know that I'm writing about his movie. Poor him.

Before reading the actual chapter, here's an important note: I do not have a crush on Jack Skellington. Many other girls in this fandom, however, do. I've noticed that some of the authors like to pretend that Sally isn't important, if you get my drift. This chapter makes fun of that. If this offends you, click on the back button and read something else.

&&&

The jack-o'-lantern Sun was shining, the grass wasn't green (because there was no grass), crows were cawing, vampires were delicately sipping blood, wolfmen were hunting, and people were dropping dead. In other words, it was a perfectly normal day in Halloween Town.

Jack Skellington was in a graveyard, which (oddly enough) was empty. The ground was littered with the red, gold, brown, and orange of fallen leaves. It was enclosed by a white picket fence, a direct contrast to the high black fences with points so sharp that it looked as if one could be impaled on them. In fact, it wasn't really a graveyard at all. But it could conceivably be made into a graveyard, and this was Halloween Town, dang it.

"Yeah, **I'll** dang it," said Jack, swinging his arms. He felt that he had struck something, judging from the way that he heard something behind him cry out in pain. Jack turned around to see…

"Human girls?" Jack wondered aloud.

"That's right!" said the one in the front of the group of girls. She had green hair that reached to her waist, sparkling sapphire eyes, and a low-cut purple blouse that matched her short skirt. "I'm Suzy. These are my friends, Brittany and Tiffany. But I'm more important than they are."

Upon hearing these names, Jack had to clutch at his throat to avoid vomiting.

A blue-eyed, brown-haired girl (Jack correctly assumed this was Brittany) shoved Suzy aside and looked Jack in the eye. "Hiiii, Jaaack! You're sooooo CUTE! El-oh-el!" She latched onto Jack's right leg.

"Could you please get off of me?" Jack requested.

"Yeah—I'll make 'er do it!" replied Tiffany, the brown-eyed blonde. She wrapped her hands around Brittany's waist and tugged, but Brittany hardly budged. Tiffany kept pulling and pulling, but nothing happened. So, Tiffany kicked Brittany's right hand.

"OWWWWWW!" screamed Brittany, letting go of Jack's leg.

"Ha!" shouted Tiffany, pushing away Brittany. Tiffany wrapped her hands around Jack's rib cage.

"You're a HOT BISHIE!" she declared.

Jack decided not to say "I know you are, but what am I?" (although he was sorely tempted.)

Suzy glared at her companions. "That is **it**. No one gets to spend more time with Jack than me. Begone!" Suzy snapped her fingers, and the two other girls instantly vanished into thin air.

She slowly circled around Jack a few times, then grabbed his hand. Suzy hopped up and down, giggling.

"You're freaking me out, to put it bluntly," Jack said.

"So what? You're hot!"

"But I'm just a **pup**pet, for Pete's sake. I just don't see the sense in falling in love with a puppet if you're a human."

Suzy stopped hopping. She put on a downtrodden, disappointed facial expression. "But you're so HOT!"

"You just said that. Besides, I already love Sally."

Suzy stomped her foot. "I **hate** that rag doll! Why do you like her, anyway?"

Jack pulled his arm out of Suzy's grasp. "Because she likes me in a non-superficial way. Didn't you listen to the dialogue in the movie? There were clues that suggested that Sally and I were friends before." 

Suzy looked at the ground and shuffled her feet. "Uh…no. I wasn't really listening. I was mostly looking at you."

Jack sighed and clasped his left hand to his forehead. "Like I said, I'm a puppet. A skeleton puppet. A **dead** skeleton puppet. Please leave me alone." Jack fled from the scene, grateful that he had such long legs.

"Wait! Come back!" called Suzy. "You're really HAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWT!"

&&&

In order to get over the unpleasant feeling he previously experienced in the encounter with Suzy, Jack had invited Sally over for a pillow talk. Like (almost) always, they were in the tower room.

"And then her friend said I was a 'hot bishie,' he sobbed. "What's a 'hot bishie,' anyway?"

"'Bishie' is short for _bishounen_, which is the Japanese word for 'pretty boy,'" explained Sally. She was obviously angry, as was evidenced by her dry tone.

"That makes it worse!" cried Jack.

"Then what happened?" asked Sally, who had become morbidly fascinated.

"Well, Suzy snapped her fingers, and her friends vanished. Just like that," Jack said, snapping his fingers. "Then she grabbed my hand, giggled like a maniac, and bounced up and down."

"Didn't you tell her to stop?"

"I said that she was freaking me out, but she just said I was hot."

"But she's a human."

"I know. That's what I told her. It makes sense for us to be in love with each other, because we're both puppets. But Suzy's a human from the Real World. I explained that to her, but she told me I was hot again."

"The nerve of her!"

"Yeah, exactly. Then I told her that I love you, not her."

"Good for you, Jack!"

"Thank you. She got really angry and stomped her foot. Then she said she hated you, and asked why I liked you. I said I like you because you like me for non-superficial reasons."

Before Jack could finish talking to Sally, a rock came through the window.

"What the…?" Jack wondered aloud. He went to the window.

Outside, a girl was standing below the window. She was wearing a patchwork dress that looked as if it had been hashed together at the last minute. On her head was a wig of long, reddish-brown hair. The girl had taken the time to draw stitches on her skin.

"Hi, Jack!" called the girl.

"Hijack what?"

"Aw, don't be silly. I'm Sally, come to visit you."

Sally came to the window and looked at the other girl. "That's impossible. **I'm **Sally."

"No, you're not! I am!"

"This is getting ridiculous," said Jack. "You're obviously Suzy in disguise. You're not the first person to do this, either."

Suzy began yowling. She flung herself upon the ground, pounding her fists while kicking and screaming.

"I want Jack for my own! It's not fair that Sally gets him all to herself! I want him, I want him, I WANT HIM!"

"Get rid of her for me," Jack said to Sally.

&&&

(This section of the story will be written in the Dick-and-Jane format.)

Sally looks at Suzy. Suzy is throwing a tantrum. Sally is annoyed.

"Whine, whine, whine," Suzy whines.

See Sally take out a bat. Look! The bat is stuck full of nails.

"Look, Suzy, look," says Sally. "Look, look, look."

See Sally swing the bat. See the bat hit Suzy's back. Hit, Sally, hit!

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! WAAAAAAHHHH!" says Suzy. Bleed, Suzy, bleed!

"Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham!" goes the bat.

See Jack. Jack is in his tower. Look, Jack, look. Sally is hitting Suzy with a bat full of nails.

Hear Jack laugh. Jack likes this.

"Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" says Jack.

&&&

Okay, that's the end of this chapter. I bet most people haven't seen Dick-and-Jane writing for a while, but it was perfect for the Sally-beating-up-Suzy scene.

Now, to be serious: I actually support the Jack/Sally pairing, not the Jack/me pretending to be Sally pairing. I suspect that many writers who claim to support Jack/Sally actually support Jack/the writer pretending to be Sally. Why else would they keep writing Jack as being the more amorous one?

I also dislike the disenfranchised girl who comes to Halloween Town and finds a boyfriend in one of Jack's children. It's obvious that the writer is pretending that the child is actually his father, as evidenced by their physical similarities. (If he's a skeletal boy, he'll grow up to look like a skeletal man.)

Then there are the girls who come to Halloweenland and steal Jack from Sally. Please, stop raping canon.

NEXT TIME: I'm split between two topics. The first is Jack taking charge of other holidays, and the second is Skellington children. (I don't hate the idea of Jack and Sally having children, just the theory that they (Jack and Sally) reproduce the same way as humans.)


	8. You'll Never Guess Who This Is

Now That's Scary

Chapter 8: You'll Never Guess Who This Is

Or, The Nightmare Before (Fill in the Blank)

Or, Recurring _Nightmare_s

Or, Repetition is the Spice of Death

Disclaimer: _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ is not mine, but any other potential movie in this chapter might be.

This chapter mocks the idea of Jack taking over other holidays. It's an interesting concept, but not likely to happen.

&&&

Jack Skellington (pay attention to what his last name is; there will be a test) stood in his tower. The window was ajar. Jack called to the denizens below, "Hey, everyone! What do you think about me taking over another holiday?"

"**NO**!" yelled the townspeople.

Jack backed into his room. "Okay…I just wanted to be sure." He closed the window, walked over to his bed, and lie down upon it. A depressed expression crossed Jack's face. He was supposed to have learned his lesson, and he had. Nevertheless, his boredom with the constant celebration of Halloween still swept into Jack's mind from time to time. Although Jack now put forth more than just the slightest little effort into his career, the woe-is-me-because-I-am-the-Pumpkin-King-and-I'm-so-incredibly-scary-but-I'm-still-bored-out-of-my-skull-whine-whine-whine-(sound of wrists being slit) anxiety still caught up with him on occasion. What was he to do?

"Well, I'm not really in the mood to burst into song right now. So…I'll give Sally a call."

He opened the window once more, then took a breath (if that was possible.) Jack had trained his undead vocal cords to produce specific kinds of screams that only certain beings could hear. In this case, he was going to produce a scream that was only detectable by Sally's ears.

"SAAALLLLLLLYYY! BRING ALL YOUR THREAD!"

&&&

Sally now stood before Jack. "What do you want me to do?" she asked politely, giving a slight curtsy.

"I want you to make me another Sandy—I mean, Santa Claus outfit."

"Are you crazy? You seriously aren't going to try that Christmas thing again, are you?"

"No. Of course not. I just want another Santa Claus suit."

"I don't think so."

Jack was disappointed. He bit his skeletal lip, then had an idea. Sally always wanted to make Jack happy, but she still wouldn't do anything unless she thought it was a good idea—or unless it would let Sally do something that would make her happy, as well.

"Why not?" Jack asked Sally. "After all, you worked so hard to make the first one, and it got ruined instead. I'd take good care of another suit. Besides, it would make me happy."

Sally sighed. She had an internal debate with herself, then said, "All right."

"Oh, good!" Jack clapped his hands together. "And can you make me an Easter Bunny costume, a leprechaun suit, and a Cupid outfit, too?"

Sally stared at Jack.

"Please?"

"Okay," she said with a sigh. "I'll do it."  
&&&

A few weeks had passed, and Sally had sewn a Santa Claus outfit for Jack. Said Pumpkin King was now strutting around his room in the new outfit.

"It's great, Sally. Thank you."  
"You're welcome," Sally said, as if she had been congratulated for strangling a dog.

Jack opened the window of his tower room. Everyone outside shrieked in terror.

"Oops! Bad idea," he noted, closing the window.

"Tell me about it."

"Oh, come on. So, are you going to make those other suits or what?"

"Er…."

"You said you would. I hate to sound bossy, but you should get to it."

"If I must, Jack."

"I'm Santa for now." After seeing Sally's look of horror, Jack said, "Not really, of course."

&&&

A month came, and Jack wore his dark purple Easter Bunny outfit with pride. He walked along a street, and the townspeople had to bite the insides of their cheeks to keep from laughing.

"Your bunny suit is very—(cough)—interesting," said a vampire.

"Thank you," said Jack. "It took Sally a long time to make it, you know."

"Looks good enough to eat," the Wolfman chuckled.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Of course I was. You look as inedible as ever."

"Well," chortled the sax-player, "you don't look like no Bone Daddy anymore, that's for sure."

"Then what **do** I look like, Jazzman?" Jack inquired.

"I dunno," said the sax-player, who tried to resume playing his saxophone, but was unable due to fits of laughter.

"Ha ha ha HA HA ha ha ha HA HA HA!" giggled both of the commercialized witches.

"I give him a 4," said the gray one, after Jack was out of earshot.

Jack passed Sally on the road.

"Oh, hello! What do you think of my outfit? You made it, after all."

Sally looked nervously from side to side. "I think I did a good job, Jack, but I—"

"It's 'Peter Cottontail.' For now, anyway."

&&&

A few more months passed, and Sally had made all sorts of other suits for Jack. In addition to the holiday-themed ones, there were wordplay suits. These were made so that Jack could be Union Jack, Jack Frost, Polignac, or Cracker Jack whenever he wanted.

Sally also sewed many other kinds of clothing for Jack. Eventually, Jack's pinstripe suit landed in the back of the closet.

The denizens of Halloween Town noticed other changes in their king. He had been painting eggs and hiding them around the town, squealing with delight as he rediscovered each egg. Jack had also taken to cutting hearts out of construction paper and distributing them to random people, most of whom saw nothing odd with the fact that the hearts were shaped like human ones. In addition, Jack even tried to make all sorts of ghastly presents and give them to children, but he couldn't find enough children in Halloween Town.

One day, Jack was wearing his Santa Claus outfit while talking to Sally. They were in the tower room again, having a pleasant conversation.

"I just want to thank you for making me all these wonderful outfits. Dressing up like different holidays is so much fun. I don't know what I would do without a great girl like you."

"Thank you," said Sally, grinning.

Jack walked over to the picture of himself (which Sally had thoughtfully repaired) that hung on the wall. He took the picture down, walked back to his bed, and sat upon it. Showing the picture to Sally, Jack asked, "But how come you didn't make me a Halloween costume?"

Sally's mouth hung open slightly. "What are you talking about? You had a Halloween costume before I started making the other suits for you."

"No, I didn't. I want a Halloween costume like the one that guy's wearing," Jack said, tapping the picture of himself. "Those stripes are amazing. The bow tie is great, too. It makes him look all the more menacing—and somehow dashing at the same time."

Sally scooted six and a half inches away from Jack. "Of course it does, but—"

"Yes," said Jack, admiring the picture. "That's really a fine man. Surely he must have a name. So, what's this guy's name, anyway?"

Sally rose, her mouth open wide. She was speechless.

"He looks like he belongs to Halloween—yes, he has to. It only makes sense. He seems kind of familiar, too—maybe he's a king. Oh, this guy just has to be the king of Halloween! Isn't he, Sally? Who's this guy?"

Suddenly, Sally realized what had happened. She grabbed Jack's shoulders.

"Jack, you haven't taken over the holidays. The holidays have taken over you!"

"Who's Jack? My name is Santa Claus."

Sally ran out of the room, screaming. Jack hadn't even been this bad when he tried to take over Christmas!

&&&

I think this chapter is long enough, since adding anything to it would be redundant and unnecessary. Jack may have acted out-of-character, but that was the point.

By the way, when Jack says "That's really a fine man. Surely he must have a name," he's paraphrasing the part in _The Land of Oz _where Tip finishes building Jack Pumpkinhead.

Well, I'm off to watch _Pee-wee's Big Adventure _with my family.

NEXT TIME: Jack and Sally have a wedding, but it's not exactly a dream wedding—or a nightmare wedding.


	9. Unholy Matrimony

Now That's Scary

Chapter 9: Unholy Matrimony

Or, It's Always Bad Luck at a Wedding

Disclaimer: Although I could have come up with the idea for _The Nightmare Before Christmas_, I didn't, so I don't own it.

Just so you know, the Piccolo in this chapter has nothing to do with the Piccolo character in _Dragon Ball_.

* * *

Jack Skellington stood on the stage in the Town Hall for the third time in this story. However, it was full of Halloweenlanders this time, not fanfictionists.

"Thank whatever gods I worship," Jack muttered under his breath. He then raised his voice to the normal volume and spoke to the crowd.

"Everyone, I have some very important news to tell you," he said. "I have been dating Sally for the better part of three months, and I think it's time I got married to her."

Almost everyone began chattering and talking at once. Some—namely, a group of females—were outraged.

"She's gonna give you problems!" yelled the Little Witch. "Marrying Sally is a bad idea!"

"Who are you, my mother?" Jack asked sarcastically.

The Little Witch closed her mouth.

"Don't marry Sally!" yelled the Big Witch. "I'm obviously being used as a vehicle for fangirlish writers who want to hypocritically think that at least they're not like me, but who cares?"

"I do," said Jack.

At this, the Big Witch stopped talking. The Underwater Gal opened her mouth, then closed it without saying a word.

"Wait!" cried Shock, who was sitting with Lock and Barrel in the back row. "I need to fill a female role, too. Why don't you marry me, even though we don't like each other?"

"Er…I won't dignify that with a response," Jack said. "Anyway, Sally and I will be wed on the thirtieth day of October, despite its obvious wrecking the Halloween plans. I hope everybody in Halloween Town can come. In fact, you're all required to attend."

Several attendees crossed their arms, scowled, and slumped down in their seats.

Jack pretended not to notice. "Formal dress is also mandatory. This is a black-tie event, if you will pardon a joke." He pointed to his bow tie.

* * *

Back at the Skellington home, Sally expressed her joy at the wedding prospects by berating her fiancée.

"But Sally, I thought you'd be happy," Jack said.

"I **am** happy," replied Sally, sitting at the opposite end of the kitchen table. "But this is going to interfere with the Halloween plans. You said so yourself."

"Wait a minute. You weren't there at the meeting, so how did you know I said that?"

"Harlequin told me. Anyway, there's another problem. Who's going to marry us?"

"What do you mean? We can find a minister."

"No, we can't. We're not Christians. This is Halloween Town."

"Oh, that's right. Okay, then…how about the Mayor?"

"Did someone mention me?" asked the Mayor, who came striding into the kitchen.

"Yes, but we don't care," said Jack. "We regret to inform you that you will inevitably mess up the wedding procedures, since you hardly have any fans."

"I don't know **why**," added Sally. "It's kind of sad, really."

The Mayor's face stayed in its happy form, although it bore a frown. "But…the person who's writing **this** story thinks I'm cool, for all the good that does me."

"Which isn't much," stated Jack. "Now, get out. Sally and I are trying to make plans that have very little to do with you."

"Oh," said the Mayor, his face spinning to reveal the depressed side. "Do you ever get the feeling that I bother you too often in fan fiction?"

"Not at all," Jack fibbed. "Go away."

The Mayor drew a heavy sigh, then left.

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" asked Sally. "I mean, he was only trying to help."

"The fanfictionist is saving most of the jokes she could've used for this scene for the eventual movie parody. Anyway, couldn't we find a justice of the peace?"

Sally rose from her chair. "Hey, that's right. We could."

"Well, then," said Jack, rising as well. "Let's go justice-finding!"

"Not yet," said Sally. "We have to tell Doctor Finklestein first."

* * *

"I don't mind at all," Dr. Finklestein said.

"WHAT?" gasped Sally, rising from the floor of the laboratory. "You're supposed to mind. Why aren't you upset?"

"That's a very simple thing to explain." Dr. Finklestein rolled his wheelchair to face Sally. "Jack is the Pumpkin King. You are, technically, my daughter. If you get married to Jack, you would become the Pumpkin Queen, which would give me a connection to royalty."

"Of course!" cried Jack, who was leaning against a wall.

"Also," continued Dr. Finklestein, "you were something of a nuisance, Sally. Not to be rude, but you were. If you left my house, I wouldn't have to worry about you putting deadly nightshade in my soup or anything like that. After all, if you didn't live in my house, that would ruin the whole point of sneaking out. Not to mention that people would no longer see me as a cruel man after merely observing the way I treat you."

"I see," said Sally.

"Furthermore, if you lived with Jack, I wouldn't have to look after you. Jack seems like a trustworthy sort of person, and I can't be bothered to constantly keep an eye on you, Sally."

"Thanks for the compliment," said Jack.

"You're welcome, my boy. Lastly, I created Sally as a companion. Now that I have my new creation, Margolotte, I don't need Sally anymore. I do wish I hadn't given her half of my brain, though. Now she has to do the scientific things."

"What's the matter with your brain?" asked Sally.

"**Mar**golotte?" chimed in Jack.

Dr. Finklestein sighed. "I removed the left half of my brain when I made Margolotte. The left half is the part that calculates, analyzes, and deduces—in other words, the part that is essential for mathematics. The right half is the creative, artistic part."

"Oh," Sally said.

"Yes, and why did you name her Margolotte?"

"She was never officially named, so I don't see where that's any of your business," Dr. Finklestein retorted. "Now, good day."

"That was easy," said Sally, as she and Jack left the doctor's house.

"**Now** we can go looking for justices of the peace," commented Jack.

* * *

As it turned out, the only available justice of the peace was a short female phantom named Piccolo. She was extremely pale, had frizzy black hair, wore a tuberculose-gray suit, and could not pronounce more than one syllable of most words. Jack really should have considered the last point before he assigned Piccolo the role of substitute priest. He did not pay a great deal of attention, as evidenced by the fact that he did not laugh at Piccolo's hilarious mistakes. For instance, Jack's title was shortened to "Pump King," as if he was the best gas-station attendant the world had ever seen—although no one could realistically expect Jack to laugh at that.

* * *

The day of the wedding arrived, and all Halloweenlanders reluctantly put their Halloween plans on hold. Most of them felt it was unfair that everyone had to dress formally when several denizens didn't normally wear clothes, but they came nonetheless.

Because there were no other gathering places in Halloween Town, Jack and Sally had to be married at Town Hall. Oddly, they were the first ones to arrive, but did not get married immediately. This led to some confusion for Piccolo when she was on the stage.

"Shall I get you mare now?" asked Piccolo.

"No," said Jack, who wore a tuxedo that looked like his pinstripe suit without the stripes. A matching hat topped his skull. "I want to make sure everybody shows up first."

Piccolo walked over to Sally, who was dressed in an orange gown that was covered in spiderweb-like lace. "Sally, how you feel ab this?"

"You mean, how do I feel about Jack's plans for getting married? Well, I want lots of people to see us, but I wish he wouldn't make plans that affect so many people. I don't want to wait for such a long time."

"You think may Jack can?"

"What?"

"Can Jack wait for wed?"

Sally frowned. She walked over to Jack.

"Jack, Piccolo wants to know if you're able to wait to get married," Sally said, putting a hand on Jack's shoulder. "And you know what **that** means, don't you?"

Jack turned to face Sally. "Do you mean, am I stalling for time because I like you less than you like me?"

"Yes." Sally's frown deepened so that it was almost a scowl.

"No," Jack said nervously, breaking away from Sally. "Just be patient."

"I don't like waiting."

"Can I help you?" asked Piccolo.

"Round up some guests," said Jack. "And hurry."

"'Kay." She darted out the door.

A few minutes later, Piccolo returned to Town Hall, the entire population of Halloween Town behind her. She ran up to the stage.

"How did you get all those people to come?" asked Sally.

"Threats."

"Ah."

Meanwhile, the guests were not enjoying themselves.

"I told Jack not to get married," complained the Mayor, who wore his regular clothing and stood on the left side of Town Hall. "I told him it would ruin his afterlife. But did he listen? No."

"Of course," said the Wolfman. He had on a yellow tweed jacket and matching pants. "There isn't even a repulsive wedding cake or diluted punch."

Lock, Shock, and Barrel were the least happy of all. They commiserated in the back row.

"Jack made me come to this stupid wedding and I'm bored," griped Lock. He was wearing a red tuxedo and tap shoes of the same color. Unlike his fittingly devil-red costume, the tuxedo was covered with glitter, which kept getting into Lock's hair and/or making him sneeze. _I hope no one mistakes me for a pixie_, he thought.

"You're not alone," moaned Shock. She wore a floor-length dark purple evening gown in lieu of her usual dress, and had been required to doff her hat. Her face was dotted with gray and purple bruises from tripping on the skirt of the dress and falling. Although Shock appreciated any complements to her gruesomeness, she had commented that she would have preferred less painful ones. "Why do we have to come? It's not like we're going to pay attention, anyway."

"I didn't even know we **owned **these outfits," said Barrel, who was dressed in a black suit and tie. His usually bare feet were inside black tap shoes, which were not made to fit three-toed people and therefore made Barrel's feet very uncomfortable. "An' I don't like 'em."

"Me neither," said Lock and Shock.

* * *

"Hush, ev!" shouted Piccolo, who now stood at a podium. "Jack and Sally shall now be wed!"

Everyone quited down at that moment. Jack and Sally immediately took their places in front of the podium, ignoring the style of modern American wedding processions.

Piccolo opened her copy of _The Book of Speeches for Formal, Informal, and Moderately Formal Occasions_, turned to the formal section, and stopped on the page for wedding speeches. She began to read aloud.

"Dear belov, we are gath here on this day to wit the join of Skel Jack and Rag Doll Sally. In mare, of course. Case where indiv are lit joined are rare. Anyway, on to vows. Do you, Jack Skel—el—ellllliiiiing—**ton**, take this woman to be your lawf wed wife?"

"I, Skeleton Jack, king of the pumpkin patch, Jack of the lantern, liveliest of the dead, patriarch of pumpkins, master of fright, figurative demon of light, _maestro du macabre_, chief of the chichifaced, emperor of imps, object of many fangirls' lust, shriekin' deacon of freaks, dean of the dead, bony minister of black magic, pope of pixies, lord of the dance, luck of the Irish, freak of the week, off of the wall, will of the wisp, ace of the spades, His Halloween Highness, and one mean waltzer, do."

"And do you, Sally no last name, take this skel...e...ton to be your lawf wed hus...band?"

"I do, and I have nothing else to say."

"Do you two promise to care for each oth...er in sick and health, in not-comp-horr...i...ble times and in mind-sear bad, 'til death do you-oh, never mind?"

"Sure," said Sally.

"I guess," said Jack.

"Good. With the powers invest in me by the auth, I now pro you bone-man and wife."

"Isn't this the part where we're supposed to kiss each other?" Jack asked Sally.

"That's right." She wrapped her arms around Jack's rib cage and kissed him on the place where his lips would have been.

"Yuck," Shock said disgustedly, covering her eyes with her hands. "I'm glad I can't ever get married."

Lock was speechless. His eyes widened in horror, he turned even paler than he already was, and his mouth hung open, showing his sharp little teeth.

Barrel tried to ignore what was going on around him, so he looked at a girl next to him and took a mental inventory of her physical features, comparing them to his. The first thing he noticed was that she was a few feet taller than he was. Her skin was a peachy-pink color, unlike Barrel's ghastly cadet blue skin. She wore pants, a shirt, and a leather jacket, which were all black; this probably meant that she wanted to fit in at Halloween Town but thought herself above wearing a Halloween costume. Instead of extremely short green hair, the girl's hair was long and dark brown, which reminded Barrel of chocolate. _Wait a minute-chocolate! _thought Barrel.

He grinned nastily and licked his lips, then with his mouth open lunged toward the girl. She screamed as he dove at her, but before he could close his maw around the girl's hair, she caught him in her hands.

"Aw, man," groaned Barrel.

"You almost had her," said Lock, who had turned his attention to his friend. Meanwhile, the other Halloweenlanders were still watching Jack and Sally, who had started to dance to some sort of ghoulish Halloween-ball music.

Barrel then saw that the girl's eyes were red and puffy, and that her cheeks were stained with tears.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I heard that people cry at weddings," said Shock. "They're supposed to be happy or something. Why anyone would be happy at a wedding, I'll never know."

"These are tears of envy, you little brats!" yelled the girl. She threw Barrel down on the floor, paying no attention to the _thud_ noise when his back slammed onto the ground. With that, she left the Town Hall.

"Envy?" asked Barrel, sitting up and scratching his head.

"It's another word for jealousy," said Lock.

"No, that's not what I meant. Why is she envious?"

"Because Sally got married to Jack instead of her, of course," said Shock. "I didn't think you'd need someone to explain that."

"I see," Lock said. "Hey, have you ever noticed that you're the one of us who usually points out the facts in fan fiction?"

"Yeah, I've noticed that, too," added Barrel. "It makes Lock and me seem kind of stupid. Since most fanfictionists are female, isn't that a bit like reverse sexism?"

"Shut up, you stupid boy," replied Shock.

THE END

...of this story, anyway.


End file.
